Sex & Relationships after Sexual Trauma
TRIGGER WARNING: sexual trauma, non-consensual actions
This is a hard one. How do you navigate coming back to your body and mind after sexual trauma? Some of my most challenging work has been helping folks navigate the discomfort of being in their bodies after sexual trauma.
Sexual trauma in many ways teaches us exactly how not to trust the world and most detrimentally, how not to trust ourselves. As a survivor of sexual trauma myself, and a provider of healing for sexual trauma survivors, healing often involves learning to be a patient, compassionate and present version of yourself, knowing this is a part of your story. This blog will answer a bit of how we do that.
SOME TIPS FOR YOUR READ:
Read this when you have time to dedicate to what might come up.
Be patient with yourself, you can always come back to this page if it becomes overwhelming.
While reading is an easy exercise, I encourage you to get as comfortable as possible while you do it.
So, what is sexual trauma?
Sexual Trauma refers to any* action(s) that crosses or violates your sexual boundaries without your consent. “Trauma” is what happens when an event is so overwhelming to your nervous system that you struggle to regulate your experiences thereafter (i.e relationships, health, work etc.). I am intentional about saying “any action” because we often interpret sexual abuse or trauma as being about non-consensual penetration when it is so much more than that.
Examples of sexual violence that can result in trauma responses can range from jokes and gestures, to sexual pressure and nonconsensual touch to physical violence and rape. The actions themselves are often outside of the debilitating and harmful responses folks get from police, therapists, family, partners and friends (these can also lead to trauma by the way).
“The perceived magnitude of the event (ex. if there was or wasn’t penetration) is not a marker of how traumatizing the event will or should feel.”
What happens to us after sexual trauma?
Whether the trauma occurred a year ago or 20 years ago, you can still be affected. You may have to contend with a new relationship with the world after an experience like this. You might become more hyper vigilant, you might struggle to trust others, maybe avoiding people and places depending on where, and by whom it happened, you might struggle with appetite, sleep, bouts of depression, anxiety or panic attacks when you didn’t before.
With regard to sex and intimacy, sexual trauma can influence compulsive and unsafe sexual behavior, avoidance or an aversion to sex, pain with sex, even panic or anxiety related to sex. Our relationships with partners can also be impacted. While we might know we are safe with someone our bodies can respond as if we aren’t, impacting how we relate in intimate relationships and our self esteem.
How do I go about exploring Relationships and Sex again?
Even if it feels like we have a handle on our social, sexual and emotional life, experiences of trauma can show up and debilitate us in unexpected ways. So if you’re noticing its impact, seeking out support can be a great place to start. The biggest hurdle I find clients having to overcome is shame. Shame around how they should show up in current relationships, shame about desires to have sex, or not have sex, shame about the experience itself; what they remember or don’t remember, and what they think should have happened.
Our capacity to exist in relationships with others and relationship with ourselves is rooted in trust. And having our agency taken away from us can really mess with our understanding of trust in the world and sometimes even trust in ourselves. If the sexual trauma happened with someone we know, it can be difficult to trust ourselves to cultivate safe relationships.
“You are NEVER at fault for the ways someone else chose to exert power over you”
What can I do on my own to begin healing from this experience?
Exploring relationships and sex again is going to involve copious amounts of discomfort and self compassion. Healing from sexual trauma will look different and require different things from person to person. Something that causes one person to shut down to their emotional experience can cause immense emotional sensitivity to another person. I will always recommend some version of healing help, whether that be in the form of a therapist or coach, a spiritual healer, support groups, hotlines or other forms of education about sexual trauma.
Here are 3 tips for beginning your journey to healing in sex and relationships:
TAKE IT SLOW!
With sex, it’s important to move at as slow of a pace as you need. It can be incredibly easy to allow yourself to be uncomfortable or even physically, emotionally or psychologically overwhelmed in an effort to engage with sex the same way you did before the trauma occurred. You are having to remind your body that sexual touch, or language, or certain acts are not dangerous or life threatening. This takes time!
2. LEARN YOUR TRIGGERS
Do you tend to experience panic or anxiety? Overthinking or performing? Dissociation or feeling “out of your body”? What are the circumstances that surround it? An example of how something like sex could be triggering could be thinking about the ways that you perform during sex. What is it like to allow yourself to feel into the experience rather than monitor the other person and make “expected” movements or sounds. It might be that certain moments feel more triggering than others.
Other examples of triggers could be the time of day that the trauma happened, the circumstances that surrounded it, like location or people, it could also be certain articles of clothing. What’s important about triggers is to take a step back or pause; remind yourself where you are, that you are safe and the present moment is not the same. If it’s within your capacity, move away from it.
If your triggers are particularly debilitating, I would recommend seeing someone to help manage them. The goal is never to overwhelm yourself with triggers as a way to overcome them.
3. PRACTICE UNCONDITIONAL SELF COMPASSIONATE
Triggers in particular can make us feel out of control, overwhelmed and anxious. These are particularly uncomfortable feelings that make it challenging to feel like we can manage our day to day life. Often times, the easiest thing to do is to shut down parts of ourselves so we aren’t consistently debilitated. While this may be effective in the short term, the long term impact of avoiding our discomfort can also mean avoiding fulfilling relationships, a pleasurable sex life and general care for self.
Practicing compassion can be as simple as giving yourself permission to cry if you need it, permission to say no (or yes) to a social event, giving yourself more space to sleep in, skip (or participate in) a workout, and build a routine around using kind language with yourself, especially when you don’t think you deserve it (hence: unconditional!!).
There are so many more ways to give yourself space to heal and come back to your body. There are also unfortunately so few spaces dedicated to building this kind of resilience and self care.
If you are looking for more resources for processing and healing sexual trauma experiences join our group support space THIS MONTH and get a 15% discount on our 2-hour Healing Intimacy Workshop in August!
“If you or someone you know is struggling and in need of immediate support reach out to one of the following resources:
Cipla 24hr Mental Health Helpline
Cipla 24hr Mental Health Helpline offers free counselling support to people in South Africa who are in distress or at risk of suicide. Tel: 0800 456 789
Lifeline South Africa
Lifeline South Africa offers 24-hour service to people in South Africa to address the psychological and social stresses and trauma that they are struggling to deal with. Tel: 0861 322 322
Akeso Psychiatric Response Unit
Akeso Psychiatric Response Unit offers 24-hour service to anyone requiring emergency psychiatric intervention in South Africa. Tel: 0861 435 787”