Am I Queer?

I’ve had many folks come in to work with me wanting to answer the question they probably googled at some point in their life. If you’re like me, you’ve taken every quiz, asked every gay friend and maybe loudly (or not so loudly) confessed your allyship to the community.

But how do you definitively determine whether or not you might be queer? Unfortunately the answer isn’t so straight forward. Most of us grow up thinking we’re straight, and how could we not. Every where we look binary heterosexuality is the primary source of acceptance in society. And what are we, if not accepted by our peers?

You might start by considering what “difference” means in your cultural context. How are people received when they exist outside of the guidelines set up by your culture? Which differences are allowed and which differences are discouraged, frowned upon or even punished. This is where we find the answers to “why didn’t I know sooner”. 

From the time we are born, binary examples of gender and sexuality are hammered into our brains. From actual infant clothes saying things like “ladies I have arrived” or “sorry boys daddy says no dating” (deep eye roll), to adults asking children whether they have a “girlfriend” or “boyfriend” at school. We are constantly reminded at every stage of our lives that there is an expectation of heterosexuality.

I HAVE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT THE SAME OR ANOTHER GENDER

Many folks I’ve worked with have discussed having sex dreams about someone of the same gender, or wanting to explore childhood or adulthood romantic or sexual experiences, feelings and thoughts about people of the same gender. But these are not always a definitive indicator of your orientation.

You can be sexually and/or romantically attracted to the same groups of people or different groups! Broadly, sexual attraction speaks to the desire to have sexual contact with or find someone sexually appealing, while romantic attraction speaks to the desire for emotional intimacy or a relationship with someone.

SO HOW DO I KNOW?

Well the short answer is, it’s up to you.

The longer answer? There is no definitive “indicator” of queerness. Queer people are as diverse, complex and intersectional as any other group of people. There isn’t one way to be in the community, nor are there qualifiers for what makes you part of it. Having queer experiences doesn’t make you more or less queer. Knowing earlier in your life doesn’t make you more or less queer. Coming out also doesn’t make you more or less queer.

SOME THOUGHTS TO CONSIDER IN YOUR JOURNEY

Feel your feelings & trust them

Our most informative form of self awareness are our feelings. Much of the time, I find my clients trying to justify or disprove their feelings with their thoughts. Most commonly, determining that it can’t be true if they haven’t had an opposing experience or any experience at all.

Our feelings give us information. Even if they aren’t always reflecting objective truths, they are reflecting *your truth*. And there’s value in considering what they might be telling you (whether it’s confirmation about something, or that you’re scared or something else!)

Having a space to process these with can be extra useful! Reach out to a queer identified and affirming therapist or a sexuality coach or someone you trust who can hold space for the confusion, tears, anger, resentment and maybe some liberation as you get to know yourself.

Give yourself permission to explore (resources below!)

Exploring can look like many things! Learn about different orientations, read or watch others experiences of coming out or exploring sexuality online, join some LGBTQ support spaces, watch some Queer porn!! 

Later in your journey you might determine you want to affirm your experience by going on a date with someone, or trying out different pronouns. And if you choose to never do these things, that’s also OK. 

Remember that sexuality and gender are fluid 

This is a reminder that sometimes our internal experiences change. Sometimes we feel validated in one experience during one part of our lives and another later, and that’s OK! It doesn’t mean you were wrong, or a fraud. Sexuality and gender like human beings, are fluid and complex. Sometimes one word might reflect your experience more than another at different times. 

You don’t need a label

Is this a hot take? If we really think about it, the need/requirement to define ourselves is rooted

in the ability for systems of power to be able to identify us, determine how to treat us and assign us value. I’m not at all saying throw it away if a label affirms you and your experience. Fuck yeah if it does, that’s amazing! But for folks who need the permission, a label doesn’t qualify your sexuality or your gender. You may stick with “questioning” forever, you might find solace in using “Queer” as a label because of the fluidity and freedom it brings. You are still inherently allowed to exist in this community.

Looking for more opportunity to explore confusion, liberation, and joys of the LGBTQ+ community? Join our June support space!

RESOURCES:

Teen and young adult Sex Ed:

https://www.scarleteen.com/#front-nav

Podcast Recommendations:

Made it Out

SheHerDyke

Books:
Queer Up: An Uplifting Guide to LGBTQ+ Love, Life and Mental Health

You Exist Too Much - Zaina Arafat