Coming Out Later in Life: Embracing Identity and Finding Support
Photo by Juliette F on Unsplash
Maybe you’re sitting on the fence, maybe you’re confused, Maybe you’re absolutely sure and just terrified about what this means. Well honestly same, to all of these. And I was there for a long time. Coming out later in life comes with its own unique challenges, and, I can say from experience, maybe some of the most incredible benefits too.
So what does “coming out” even mean? It sounds like, and is often portrayed in media, as a once-off event. You come out and that’s it, everyone knows your sexual or gender identity and they either accept it or not. But truly, coming out is a process. And I’d argue the most important part of it is the coming out to yourself.
Coming to terms with your gender or sexual identity after a certain age can feel daunting and incredibly confusing. It may even make you question your whole life. Most of the folks I work with are African’s or immigrants from conservative families and countries where LGBTQ experiences are either criminalized or heavily frowned upon. And in their experiences three important themes tend to emerge:
How didn’t I know sooner?
I get it. You’ve finally figured that maybe you might be gay, or nonbinary, or asexual… but why now? Well, let’s think about the context. I grew up in South Africa, and while I had the privilege of an incredible education (albeit at predominantly white institutions) and a pretty non-traditional family, I never laid my eyeballs on a queer femme black woman. I saw maybe 1 lesbian white middle aged woman, but she definitely didn’t reflect me or my experience and there was such an entrenched narrative that queer or trans experiences are inherently white. So how didn’t I know sooner? Apart from the fact that the vocabulary, media or societal acceptance just wasn’t there, I never saw myself reflected anywhere. So how could I possibly consider that I might be a queer person? How could you?
I’ve never been with X, so how would I know?
I want to start by holding that it’s okay to not know. It’s okay to be curious. Most people will be curious throughout their lifetime. The question rather is, what is the fear around not knowing? What will happen if you try? And maybe, what will happen if you don’t?
Another thought to consider is, who made the rules for classification of an LGBTQ+ Identity? (spoiler there are no rules) We don’t ask straight people if they are sure they are straight before they are in relationships, we also rarely ask them to prove straightness through experience. Can we give queerness the same grace?
Your sexuality and gender identity are not validated by experience.
I’m scared of what my family will think
Same. And fear can wreck havoc on how we think about ourselves. As an LGBTQ+ person, you will have to contend with being outside the norm. And if you, like me, are also black, you’re contending with multiple oppressions that can make deciding to embrace your identities really exhausting and frankly terrifying. I can’t provide comfort that your family will be okay, only experience will tell you that. However, what I can offer is the knowledge that no matter what you choose to do, more likely than not, you will be okay. With the right support, whether family or not, you will be okay.
If you are still questioning, if you are curious to learn more, here are some questions to get you started exploring gender and sexuality for you:
How do you know what your gender is? Who told you? Was it intuitive, or did you learn it?
How do you know what your sexual identity is? Was it intuitive, or did you learn it?
What are the expectations of someone who looks like you in the cultural contexts you live in?
What are the consequences of being different in the cultural contexts you live in?
Some important pointers for this process:
EXPLORATION IS YOUR BEST FRIEND
Experimenting with your gender and sexuality is a great way to learn yourself! Experimenting with your style, name, pronouns, or even with other people (always consensually and honestly!) are great ways to do this. Some of us are sure of our identities from a young age and some of us need a bit of courage to try figure it out. REMEMBER: you may well find out you are straight or cisgender in your exploration and that’s great! At least you would be approaching your identities with intention rather than societal prescription.
BABY STEPS
You don’t HAVE to know immediately. Just having a sense that being straight or cisgender doesn’t align with you is a step. Making space for more LGBTQ+ friends, events, and experiences is a step. Finding a mental health provider who is knowledgeable about LGBTQ+ exploration is a step. It can be incredibly overwhelming to try to tackle all your questions at once. Big changes will feel disorienting if they aren’t padded by appropriate supports and self awareness.
COMING OUT IS NOT A REQUIREMENT
Coming out doesn’t classify anyone’s gender or sexuality, coming out is also not a pre-requisite for acceptance in the community. Some folks find coming out to be empowering, others find it anxiety inducing and restrictive. All that matters is that you make the choice that is best for you. You might come out to one person, one part of your community or to no one. What matters is that you feel affirmed within yourself and your expression.
BUILD COMMUNITY SUPPORT
I always recommend finding spaces that are affirming. Whether this is one person in your family, a few friends, a therapist or coach, or a community space. It’s imperative that you build support so you don’t feel isolated in this process. If you are particularly worried about your safety, making sure you have crisis support spaces and that you have health providers who are LGBTQ+ affirming!
If you are someone looking for health providers who are queer affirming, I’d be happy to point you in the right direction! You deserve kind, compassionate, knowledgeable queer-affirming providers and we are all here to help you find that.