Sitting with Solitude
The older I get, the more acutely aware I am of the intention it takes to engage with being alone. I don’t just mean spending time alone, but also choosing to participate in relationships (romantic or otherwise) just for the sake of not being by ourselves. Now, I want to name that I am a firm believer in connection. I LOVE connection. I believe connection and community are healing.
However, as a person who grew up learning that who I was needed to be morphed in order to be acceptable to others, that the things I believed in and desired were going to push others away, I have found it extra important to remind myself that being alone is okay. Being with my discomfort is okay. Connection and community for the sake of connection and community won’t EQUAL love or acceptance.
The more I examined my relationships, friendships and romantic partners, the more I noticed that while I loved being connected, it was also rooted in a fear of being alone. Alone meant I was being rejected and might be consumed by my thoughts. As a result I found out how I could be useful to others to avoid those uncomfortable feelings of rejection or sadness or inadequacy. I could be a healer, a surrogate parent, maybe even someone for them to take care of if they needed to feel good about something. All these things would keep me connected, keep me from not being alone.
What these things also did was overwhelm me, overstimulate me, and surprise surprise, they made me feel even LESS connected. I had community for the sake of not being alone. Now what I am not suggesting is throwing away all community. Instead I am suggesting we examine what it means to exist alone and be at peace with it. So that when we are in community, in partnership, these experiences are joyful rather than a method for acceptance and likability.
So what does it even mean to be alone? Take a moment to consider what happens in your body when I suggest sitting in a room without touching your phone, without your work, even without music maybe. Do you feel a tightness in your chest? Do you sarcastically chuckle at my even suggesting such a thing? Maybe you feel relief and a fear at the possibility that you might never be in community again.
Why not try it out and see what happens.
Set a timer for 10 minutes and afterwards jot down what happened (thoughts, feelings, sensations in your body)
Before when I did this exercise, I found myself constantly reaching for my phone, having to actively remind myself that I couldn’t touch it. If it wasn’t my phone I was thinking about work, planning my next workshop or thinking which emails I needed to respond to. The more I stuck with these thoughts, I found myself spiraling. Finding things to worry about. I don’t have enough money. I’m getting older, why haven’t I bought a house yet, is something wrong with me because I don’t want to have kids?
Some questions to ponder:
What do you do when you’re alone?
What does your mind-body communicate to you when you’re alone?
What are your thoughts protecting you from experiencing?
Being alone on purpose requires us to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Uncomfortable doesn’t necessarily have to be that something “bad” is happening. In fact, it may just make you uncomfortable to be bored. Bored isn’t inherently bad. But as a society we have told ourselves that boredom means we aren’t trying hard enough, aren’t working hard enough, or that it is an opportunity to find something to be busy with.
What if it’s okay to be bored sometimes? To just be, in the moment.
So how do we do this? Not think about all the stressful things, not be overwhelmed by our feelings that want us to keep busy?
HOLD SPACE and compassion for the uncomfortable
Once we’ve established that this is just discomfort and it’s unfamiliar let’s remember that discomfort won’t hurt you! Discomfort is informative. Look at what you wrote about those 10 minutes of silence. What did you find out about yourself? Take time to hold the parts of yourself that feel those things. Anxious? Scared? Sad? Its okay! You don’t have to understand your feelings to have compassion for them. Think about it like soothing a person who is crying and asking for support. You don’t have to know what happened to be able to offer them comfort!
2. BREATHE
Take a moment to breathe. Notice how you’re breathing. Are you breathing shallow? Take a deep breathe in. If your shoulders lift when you breathe in, try to keep them still on your next breathe in. This is a great way to practice deep breathing and to begin learning mindfulness.
3. NOTICE
Mindfulness is hard. Most people don’t quite know what it means. I try to explain this to clients as noticing. Mindfulness is just noticing. Take in the room you are in. The colors, the textures, smells. Maybe pay attention to one object and describe it to yourself in as much detail as you can. If you’re outside, look at the sky. Notice the colors, the shapes, the softness or harshness of the air on your face. Another version of noticing is inward. Notice the surface you are on, textures, softness or hardness, maybe notice how your body feels; heavy, light? fidgety, tense? etc.
4. COME BACK
Find out where those feelings are from earlier. Still present? If they are, are they as big as they were before? Imagine making them smaller, then bigger. Notice how you can play with the space you are in. Notice the silence. Is it okay to be here? Is your body okay with it?
Once you are able to hold space for your discomfort you can start to explore some of the thoughts you were having from before that were overwhelming or uncomfortable. You might find out some deeper discomforts about relationships, about your values, about the things that are important to you and want to incorporate in your life. We are constantly learning about ourselves as human beings, however, when we avoid ourselves by avoiding spending time alone, we are more likely to engage with people and things that aren’t a true reflection of ourselves.
Are you interested in exploring more about loneliness? What does it mean to be alone and how do we explore the nuances of togetherness and solitude? Join our February support group.