Talking to people in your life about sexuality
Navigating Your Own Sexuality—Before Sharing It With Others
Understanding your sexuality is already a complex and deeply personal journey. Adding the challenge of sharing it with others—especially if you grew up in a culture, family, or community that doesn’t fully accept or understand LGBTQ+ identities—can make it even more overwhelming.
If you also hold other marginalized identities—whether as a Black person, someone with a disability, someone unhoused or low-income—this journey can come with additional challenges. Ultimately, deciding whether or not to have these conversations is entirely up to you.
My Journey to Queerness
For me, discovering my queerness was more of a slow realization than a single defining moment. One of my earliest memories of questioning LGBTQ+ identities came when I learned about Caster Semenya—a South African athlete who is both intersex and gay. The way the world scrutinized and misunderstood her identity had a deep impact on me, though I didn’t recognize it at the time.
Looking back, I see how the racism and queerphobia she endured shaped my own ability to see myself as queer. It wasn’t until my mid to late 20s that I started coming out, piece by piece, to different people in my life.
While most of us won’t experience the public scrutiny that Semenya did, we all live in a world that shapes how we view ourselves and how we expect others to react to us. If you’re thinking about sharing your identity with people in your life, I encourage you to approach this process with patience and self-compassion. Even those who expect support from family and friends often experience fear or resistance—these feelings are completely valid.
So, where do you begin?
Coming out is a lifelong process
Coming out isn’t a one-time event—it happens over and over again in different situations. You might find yourself coming out at the grocery store when a cashier asks who you’re buying something for (been there), at work when colleagues start discussing partners or weekend plans (done that), or when setting up a joint bank account (unfortunately got the t-shirt with multiple pronoun corrections). For what it’s worth, these are great places to practice saying the words out loud or trying out different answers to how people respond!
Rather than seeing it as a single milestone, think of it as a series of moments where you get to decide what feels safe and right for you. Here are some ways to navigate those moments:
Tips for Talking about Your Sexuality
1. Find One LGBTQ+ or Affirming Person to Talk to First
If you don’t have someone in your immediate circle who feels safe, consider seeking out online LGBTQ+ communities, affirming organizations, or social groups. Connecting with someone who shares aspects of your identity can make the process less isolating!
2. Set Your Own Timeline—No One Can Rush You
It’s your decision who to tell and when. Maybe it feels easier to talk to a sibling than a parent, or to a mentor rather than a friend. You know your community better than anyone else. And if you’re in an environment where discussing your identity could be harmful, it’s okay to wait.
FYI, no one has the right to share your identity without your consent. Queer people are often forced into conversations about their identity, and that can be exhausting. Give yourself permission to choose when and where these conversations happen.
3. Prepare for a Range of Reactions
Coming out can reveal a lot about how the people in your life see the LGBTQ+ community. Some responses may be painful or unexpected. Take time to assess which conversations are worth having and which ones you might need to walk away from.
Similarly, not all difficult conversations are bad—sometimes, discomfort can lead to growth. If a loved one says something hurtful, but is open to learning, it might be worth engaging or coming back to later. But if someone is unwilling to respect you, you don’t have to continue the conversation.
4. Consider Safety First
For many LGBTQ+ people, safety is a critical concern when discussing their identity. If you rely on certain individuals for housing, financial support, or other essentials, take time to evaluate the risks. If you live in a place where LGBTQ+ identities are criminalized, or where you fear for your well-being, it may be safer to wait or explore alternative ways to build community.
5. Build a Support Network & Self-Care Plan
Talking about sexuality and gender can be emotionally draining. Make sure you have supportive people or spaces to turn to afterward—whether that’s your partner or friends, an affirming mental health provider, an online community, or a personal practice that brings you comfort.
Above all, remember this:
Your identity is not something you can change. And others inability to respect you and strive to understand you through it is not your fault.
If you are in a situation where your safety is at risk or you need support and you are on the African continent, the UNHCR has some incredible resources at the below link!
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