The Exhausting Reality of being Black & Queer
Identity is what creates community. Being black, queer, deaf, a woman, a trans person, a person who speaks a particular language, a member of a tribe, even just being part of a family… we learn these are the things that align us with a group. It’s human nature to want to feel connected, to feel part of something bigger than ourselves.
Identity is also what makes us different. And that difference is sometimes welcomed and loved.But other times, that difference is punished, ridiculed or ostracized, usually in the name of power over others or maybe fear.
We often punish things we don’t understand, and hope that punishment will shame someone into conformity.
Being black, queer, disabled, young, a woman and all my other social identities have at some point been liberating and exciting, and at others awkward or shameful. But there's a particularly confusing reality at the intersections of being Black and Queer at the same time, because at any one moment your blackness or your queerness (or both!) is keeping you just outside the circle of any one of those groups.
It's extremely exhausting trying to figure out where you fit in. It's even more exhausting trying to figure out whether or not you need to hide or downplay either one of these experiences; for safety, for comfort, or something else entirely.
Returning to South Africa felt like a battle with my inner self.
While New York was still capitalism centered, white, western, individualistic America (read: dangerous for marginalized people), the Queer & Black spaces I found myself in (and were almost exclusively where I remained) felt like a breathe of fresh air. It was so easy to feel seen it almost became natural to assume I didn't have to explain myself and just exist.
Returning to South Africa felt awkward and uncomfortable. It was almost like putting on a pair of jeans that used to fit perfectly but now just reach the button and leave you feeling uncomfortable all day. Parts of me felt good, they felt the same as they always had. Other parts - bigger parts - were adjusting and hiding, and unfortunately this felt familiar.
I hadn't considered that all this time, I had been adjusting and minimizing the parts of myself I learned shame about, in favor of connection and acceptance.
Being a black person in a western influenced conservative culture and a Queer person holds multiple contradictions.
You can't be appealing to men and be Queer
You can't be Queer and traditional
You can't talk about your partners openly
You can't be attracted to men also or you're just confused
You can't get access to sexual health care if you disclose your identity
Don't tell your family, especially not your grandmother
Don't report if you've been sexually assaulted, especially if you look Queer
Don't dress in the clothes that make you most comfortable especially if other people perceive you to be a man
Don't speak up if you're misgendered
And this list is hardly exhaustive.
Its not that these things didn't exist overseas, of course they did! It's that there is an overall agreement that all of society is keeping these rules and intentionally barring LGBTQ+ access to enforce punishment and harm for something they won't bother to try and understand.
Something I did learn, and continue to learn as this continent comes up against homophobic and transphobic rhetoric, is that we are resilient and kind. Black Queer & Trans people are resilient and kind wherever you go. And this is what keeps me in this work. That I can offer one person a familiar kindness from another Queer person who may not exist in their life.
So how do we hold space for this intersection? Knowing that being black and queer can have you feeling lost and left out on either side?
Find LGBTQ social & community spaces
I found this particularly hard having been out of the country so long, so I created my own space to build connection with other folks looking to explore identity and wellness.
Join KM Healing’s monthly group support spaces!
PFSAQ (Parents & Friends of South African Queers)
Black & Queer owned galleries
LGBTQ friendly bars, nightclubs etc.
2. Find LGBTQ or LGBTQ affirming health care providers
Though it may seem silly. The relief that comes with not having to make a big deal about coming out to a health care provider, having your pronouns respected, & not needing to hide your partners gender has incredible mental health benefits! Additionally, an LGBTQ knowledgeable healthcare provider can provide you with information about how physical health and wellness shows up differently for LGBTQ folks (especially Trans and Non-Binary folks) and provide appropriate, effective treatment.
South African Sexual Health Association
Psychology Today
Lastly, Remind yourself of the validity of your identity and worth as a person.
Some affirmations to meditate on:My identity is valid regardless of whether someone else understands, acknowledges or engages with it
I am a valuable person just for existing
I deserve to be treated with respect and kindness always
I am allowed to boundary my space to protect my mental health
I don't have to be understood to be valued
Interested in talking more about this topic? Register for our September 2023 Support Space!