Sexual Boundaries: The Uncomfortable Truth
I’ve been putting off writing something like this. Even as a professional I’ve had to work on my shame about what a Sexuality Educator or Sex Coach has to look like, sound like and act like. Go on think about it, if you think “sex coach” what kind of person comes to mind? Experienced? Someone with natural sex appeal? Someone kinky maybe? Same! And I never considered myself any of those things. So what the hell was I doing in this industry?
I’ve come to learn I’m here for the people like me. I’m regular. I’m not intimidating to talk to,
I have sexual trauma that’s made sex triggering and painful, I find sex to be awkward sometimes, vulnerable most times,
and I laugh in the middle of it! I have to do quite a bit to tell my nervous system I’m safe and can enjoy the experience. And none of these things make me any less deserving of a pleasurable, fun sexual experience. What they do make me though, is regular. Because very few people are having pornstar sex. So who better to talk to you about it than me.
So, in an effort to allow people to see mental health professionals and educators as humans and…regular. Here I am, being a complex human, and I guess for the first time sharing what brought me to Sexuality education work.
While one portion of entering this work was to explore my Queer identity and more intentionally show up for my Queer & Trans clients at the time, a larger, maybe unconscious part, was my fear of sex. I’d internalized that sex was something that women GAVE, not participated in. It was something that men took joy in being able to spectate and receive (see how my only vantage point was hetero sex?). So I did what any other object of desire would do, I performed. I did things I didn’t enjoy, and most of all I focused on the pleasure of the person I was with rather than my own or both. The upside of performing? I get to be in control and I don’t have to be vulnerable!
Of course I wound up learning that that is not in fact true, that I do deserve intimate, present, reciprocal pleasure and further that receiving that comes down to being vulnerable…letting go of control. Yuck. Unfortunately for me, I had already made a spectacle of things that didn’t turn me on, and my body physically and emotionally retracted from even the idea of a sexual encounter. Essentially, the prospect of sex in relationships brought up DANGER in my nervous system.
So, here I was, having to unlearn and relearn my body signals, desires and needs and having to fight my way back to gentle pleasure.
The first stop? I had to learn how to set boundaries.
Now if you know anything about boundaries, especially if you grew up in a conservative environment like I did, it’s that they are W R O N G. Especially if you’re young, or god forbid, a woman. Now you want me to do it, in my sex life?! Absolutely not.
But yes, yes I do. I need you to. Because until you learn how to hold space for your needs and desires, your relationship to others and most importantly yourself, will suffer. Boundaries are not a rejection of others, they aren’t selfish. Boundaries are the middle-ground of where we love ourselves just as much as we love others. Boundaries actually help us show up better, and in this case, actually ENJOY our sex life!
So what are sexual boundaries?*Planned Parenthood uses 4 distinctions that I think are incredibly helpful. Sexual boundaries are about:
How people touch your body — including over or under clothes and your body parts.
How people see your body — such as being naked, partially naked, or dressed in a sexy way.
How people treat you in sexual situations — including how they speak to you and what your relationship is.
What you’re comfortable doing to others — such as what you touch on their body.
What if I don’t know what I want?Great question! If you struggle with knowing what your desires/wants/needs are in sex, it may be important to consider what your relationship is to your body. Have you spent time with your internal self? Do you know what it feels like to like something? To love it? To find pleasure in it? Part of the difficulty for me, was learning how to listen. Years of blocking out or ignoring the signals my body was giving me, along with some past sexual trauma, made knowing what I wanted challenging. But we can learn, it just takes some patience, compassion and perseverance (because yes, this will be uncomfortable). But the outcome? LIBERATION!
4 Questions to help you explore your relationship to sexual boundaries:What have you been taught about boundaries growing up?
How comfortable are you saying no to others? What about in sex? Why or Why Not?
What does yes, maybe and no feel like in your body? (sensations, facial expressions, thoughts, body language etc.)
Describe one really enjoyable sexual experience you had. What made it good?
If you’re interested in reading more or learning more about this look out for our Group Support Space on Sexual Boundaries and read the Planned Parenthood article below!
*Resource for more reading from Planned Parenthood: https://www.plannedparenthood.org/blog/how-to-set-sexual-boundaries