Letting go of Shame & the Desire to Fit In
Raised in the suburbs of Johannesburg South Africa, I straddled my identity as a Black SeTswana woman without fluent knowledge of my language and culture, and that of fitting into white western private education narratives.
The problem with both these identities is that I fit into neither perfectly (I would soon learn I didn't fit into any identity "perfectly"). A black child living in an upper class white suburb without fluent knowledge of her culture or language is not well received by peers and most especially by adults looking for me to embrace my cultural roles.
I never felt like enough in my community or at school. So I began to play into the illusion. Who am I you ask? Well, who would you like me to be? I did as I was told, I sat in the kitchen with the other women, I made friends with people who made me feel bad, I invited unkind comments about my body and participated in it as well, I dated men. I didn’t object when the boys and men in my life made messes I had to clean up, I didn’t object when people called me disrespectful, or laughed at me, or made it their personal mission to ensure I understood how much they disliked my “desire to be white”, and eventually I didn’t object when men would touch me without my consent. After all, it’s what women had to do. It’s what good Black women had to do. Isn’t it?
I was a very anxious child. So in hindsight, it should’ve worried me that leaving didn’t feel like anything. People asked me if I felt homesick in America and I’d say no, then wonder why. Shouldn’t I? That’s home after all. It’s not like I felt comfortable here, I knew that at least. I would soon learn that I was primed for this type of discomfort my whole life. I never fit in at home and this was a place where not fitting in made sense. I was not MEANT to fit into America. I was used to the discomfort of not fitting in. I knew how to pretend.
My time in America was a life altering experience. I continuing to pretend; I dated people I didn’t like, I made friends with people who I didn’t align with, I did what I knew how to do. And the deeper I dove into psychology, the more imperative it became that I come face to face with my stuff. And fitting in was A LOT of my stuff. I realized I didn’t know much about myself. Or maybe that I couldn’t remember myself? I forgot who I was because I spent a lot of time detaching from that version in order to be a good daughter, a good friend, a good black person, a good woman.
Shame became a large part of my experience. I had been shamed out of learning, out of trying. Out of just — being.
SO WHAT IS SHAME?Brene Brown famously differentiates shame from guilt by saying ‘Shame is “I am bad.” Guilt is “I did something bad.”’.
We can probably all attest that while both of these are uncomfortable feelings, only one of them feel redeemable. I can say I’m sorry for hurting someone, but the experience of feeling like I am a hurtful PERSON, is something else entirely. I can’t come back from that. I have to somehow make sure I am NOT that thing, rather than forgiving myself for one misstep.
Because I felt shame, I couldn’t attribute mistakes to being just that, a mistake, they instead felt like an attack on my personhood. I couldn’t TRY to learn my language, to have new hobbies, to explore things I didn’t already know about, to stand up for myself, to allow my shortcomings to be an opportunity for growth.
And part of making sure I didn’t make any mistakes, part of trying to fit in meant I needed to plan. Which also meant, I forfeited the present. I wasn’t in my body, I wasn’t feeling until my feelings overwhelmed me.
So what if I’m not in my body?Our bodies are a vessel for knowledge. They give us information about our surroundings, about safety, about difficulty and about joy. We aren't truly experiencing joy if we aren't experiencing pain as well. Many of us have learned ourselves OUT of listening to our body cues because sometimes it’s uncomfortable. Feeling sad, angry, GUILTY, hurt. These are uncomfortable experiences. And so we avoid them. If you’re a person of color, a queer or trans person, a person with a disability or chronic illness, you have an extra amount of intergenerational experience of this. Our ancestors in each of these categories have had to find ways to cope with HUGE amounts of shame because they don’t conform to societal standards. And even if our parents or other loved ones showed us unconditional love, the world is still providing a different message. If you’re here, I assume you’ve received the message.
What do I do about it?Find moments to get acquainted with your inner self. Here are some reflection questions to get you started:
What emotions do I try to avoid? What do these feel like in my body/mind? What makes me avoid them?
When was the last time I felt truly joyful? What tells me I felt this? Who was I with? What was I doing? (tip: sometimes this can be as far back s childhood)
Do I allow myself to feel the full range of my emotions? How do I know I do/don’t do this?
When I make a mistake, do I experience guilt, or shame? How do I know this is what I am feeling?
A reminder about fitting in:
Much like clothes, you are not meant to fit into them, they are meant to fit you. Fitting in is easier than experiencing the discomfort of being true to yourself. But fitting in also robs you of the joys of existing fully. It robs you of learning, and it robs other people of the opportunity to feel good about making you feel bad. I love South Africa, I love my culture, and I love that I have such a broad experience of the world that makes me not fit in. I was never meant to. And neither are you.
“No one is you — and that is your superpower”
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